Entry 1 - Have I failed?

18/12/24 - 00:42

 
  Why do I know HTML.
  I have no idea.
  I need to think about what it is I want to do. I ask myself 'Have I failed?'. It's almost been 2 years since I graduated from my animation university. I have a degree. That fact makes me laugh.
  I wanted to start a blog, but I don't think I'm really that good at formulating an interesting blog post. Most things I write end up evolving into these sorts of tumbling pile of thoughts that only really make sense to me.
  So maybe I will come back to this and read it later and think about how I felt at that time.
  
  Right now I am thinking about jobs again, which always seems to depress me. I am the type of person to look at what someone else is doing or has done and think "why didn't I do that? I would've been better off if I had!"
  That kind of thinking can be poison, especially to an artist. There are infinite possibilities, different actions to take.  ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THE DECISIONS YOU DO. NO ONE ELSE 
  I do struggle to remember this occasionally however, and I may  spend a few days wallowing in self pity as a result.
  
  I think thats okay though, sometimes. It can help you get back on track and realise what is important to you, again. 
  
  I think I want to make video games. I feel passionately about them right now, and I really have enjoyed making them. I've made around 1 a month now for 3 months for game jams, which was a goal of mine, so I am happy.
  The work I did at university was backgrounds and background painting for animation though, and unlike making games for yourself making backgrounds for animation can pay a fairly consistent wage, if you can find employment.
  I have tried on and off for a while, but I sort of gave up. I wasn't receiving much positive feedback, if I got a response at all. This was disheartening, so yeah I guess it's natural that my attention drifted to other things.
  
  Like HTML. I got a curiosity for understanding the basic bones of websites and figured out how to code a rudimentary one by taking apart websites I liked. It was fun.
  I started to think I could code. I've realised that programming is just a series of problems you solve, most likely solved by people already on the internet in a better way than you could figure out.
  I worked on comics this year, did a background painting mentorship, made games, learnt how to make websites, travelled, applied to jobs, managed to get my first interview! Which was exciting.
  
  I managed to bungle that interview though. But that's okay.
  Failure is good.
  
  Hm.
  
  I ask myself 'Have I failed?'.
  I think I have, a lot, in many ways. And this is not failure. That is progress.
  In my darkest moments I think of a video often, featuring Frank Zappa. 
  He says that "There are two rules. One, is to not stop, and the other, is to keep going."
  
  It would do me well to remember that. And you too.
  
  Leon